The poison of unforgiveness

Do you have unforgiveness in your heart?

Perhaps you think you are a forgiving person, but maybe there is still that one person you cannot forgive.  Or the idea of being able to forgive that particular person doesn't actually enter your consciousness maybe...

Today was an epic day for me.  Unresolved issues were resolved, issues that I didn't even know existed were dealt with.  

For the past few days I have been praying and fasting for a resolution over a work issue and today an opportunity arose to finish everything.  It was only after a satisfactory conclusion had been achieved and we were driving home did I realise that in God's eyes the matter was far from closed.  

Despite God blessing me with a speedy and fair resolution I still had unforgiveness in my heart. It hadn't even crossed my mind that I would have to forgive this person, so when my friend asked me if I'd prayed for her I was somewhat taken aback.  Of course I hadn't, I thought to myself, it was as much as I could do to speak her name without releasing a torrent of abuse.  There was clear unforgiveness here and suddenly I understood that in God's eyes this was a much more important issue than the details of a financial dispute.  

After trying to put it out of my mind for a good few hours I did the only thing that I could do under the circumstances.  I gave it to God.  I prayed and I wept for the unforgiveness and bitterness that had taken root in my heart.  

"Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.  Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you."  Ephesians 4:31-32

"Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone.  Forgive as the Lord forgave you."  Colossians 3:13.

Only last night I was reminding another friend of these verses to help her with unforgiveness, when in actual fact God really meant them for me.  He does indeed work in mysterious ways.

When unforgiveness takes root in your heart it starts to destroy you from within like a poison eating away at all your goodness.  And yet, when you forgive someone, something amazing happens inside of you.  It's like you are released from the chains that have held you.

I was in chains for years due to the unforgiveness that I held over a previous employer.  Now I pray for this person, I love them in my heart and I know that God will bless them through my prayers.  Unforgiveness does not recognise what is right or just, just as forgiveness is equally indiscriminate.  Jesus died for our sins so that we would be forgiven.  

He didn't die for some of our sins and not others, or for some people to be forgiven whilst those who committed certain sins would be beyond redemption.  

God does not differentiate between sin; "for whoever keeps the whole law and yet stumbles at just one point is guilty of breaking all of it."  James 2:10

None of us are worthy of the sacrifice Jesus made on the cross, of the sacrifice our Heavenly Father made of sending His only begotten Son to die for us all.  

Today when I got dressed I felt drawn to wear a new purple T-shirt that I had bought at the Detling Celebration with a great message written across the front.  It wasn't until later after wrestling with my unforgiveness that I was able to really accept that this message was meant for me today.  It said, "Grace is getting what I don't deserve, mercy is not getting what I do deserve," and I think this just about sums it up.  

God shows grace and mercy to us in all things and we must do the same.  Matthew 10:8 says "freely you have received, freely give."

Father God, 

Thank you that you so loved the world that you gave your only son so that we might believe and have eternal life.  

Thank you Lord Jesus for dying for us on the cross so that anyone who repents will not perish but be welcomed into the Kingdom of Heaven.  Thank you Father for the free gift of Salvation, of mercy and of grace.  

Forgive us Father for our unforgiving hearts and I pray that you will uproot all bitterness from our innermost being so that we can rejoice with you in Heaven.  

Thank you for your blessings upon my life this day and for sending your Holy Spirit to be an advocate for me in all things.  Forgive me for not always surrendering to you and for trying to battle it out under my own strength.  Help me to give over everything into your hands and I ask that you send your Holy Spirit as a constant reminder that you have my back and that you are the guiding light that will lead me through the narrow gate.  

In Jesus' Mighty Name,

Amen.

Never alone

I know I will never be alone again.  There is no need for anyone to ever be alone.

I have always been surrounded by people.  By family, by friends, by colleagues.  And yet, I have always felt totally alone.  That is, until I felt Jesus by my side.

Most of us feel misunderstood, lost and deserted at some point in our lives.  Even when we have faith, in times of danger or emotional stress we can also lose our footing, our vision can become obscured by the troubles of the world.

In times like this it's easy to forget that Jesus will be beside us in a second if we call upon His name.  I love the story in Mark 6 of how Jesus goes up the mountain to pray whilst sending His disciples off to Bethsaida by boat.  Even though they had been with Jesus only hours earlier they quickly become terrified by the storm that descends upon them and instead of trusting in Him and calling upon His name, they try to wrestle against the waves under their own strength.  

Seeing their struggle Jesus comes to their aid but when they see Him they are too blinded by their own plight and do not recognise Him.  "When they saw Him walking on the lake, they thought He was a ghost.  They cried out because they all saw Him and were terrified." Mark 6:49-50.

The important point for me here was that even when they were too overcome to cry out for help, Jesus still came to them.  Even though they did not recognise Him, He still stepped in and calmed the storm.  

Jesus is still there for you, even when you can't see Him or don't want to see Him.  

When I was going through the storms of my life I was never able to see anything beyond what was immediately in front of me.  But now when I look back at my life, at the risks I took, at the moments in my life when I shouldn't have survived, I know that it was the Lord who stepped in.  I thought I was alone but all this time God had a hand on my life.  He was preserving me for His Kingdom.  That is why I can now trust in Him to walk with me, to be my guiding light in times of trouble.     

I have always had big dreams for my life but they weren't God's dreams, and just as it seemed the ultimate worldly achievements were in sight my life would come crumbling down around me and I'd be left wondering, “how can I survive another disaster like this?  What have I done to deserve this?”

But it wasn't what I did that was the problem, it was that I'd tried to do it all in my own strength instead of leaning on our eternal Saviour for whom nothing is too big or too small.  

Many times God sent me a miracle in my life, whether it was in death defying situations where I was pinned under the water by my boat, unable to breath and unable to move and then suddenly I was lifted clean above the water just as I was about to breath my last.  Or when I lost my job, as I seem to be in the habit of doing, God provided another solution.  When my dream was shattered and the music school that I had built was forced to close God put another opportunity my way in the form of the British School.  This was a fantastic time in my life where I was able to build a whole performing arts school with wonderful music, drama and dance programmes that reached people of all ages throughout Bahrain.  It also enabled me to develop innovative new curriculums embracing the best of the British and American systems in order to provide an outstanding service to the children of the British School.  And true to form, when this opportunity ended, our awesome God set me free to create the Inspire project and to work for the good of the Kingdom and the community through the arts.  

And with our Sovereign Lord at the helm I know that I won't find myself in need of a new contract ever again for my contract is my Salvation through the blood of Jesus and no earthly mistakes will ever take this away. 

So even now, you may feel abandoned, lost, dismissed as a failure.  Take heart, you’re not alone. The Bible says in John 14:18, “I will not abandon you or leave you as orphans in the storm — I will come to you”. I stand by these words, for He is "the way, the truth and the life." John 14:16.

Sometimes when you feel you cannot pray, you don't know how to pray or that your mind is too troubled to find the words then use a prayer such as this.  I found this wonderful prayer at a time when I thought I couldn't do it and I just thank and praise you Father that through the ultimate sacrifice of Jesus on the cross, I now walk in your grace and your perfect love.  I thank you that prayer is part of my daily life and is as natural to me as breathing.

So for anyone that feels lost or unable to pray I ask that you use this beautiful prayer.

Lord, my whole being longs for You. My mind desires Your peace, my heart desires the warmth of Your presence and my body aches for Your nearness and the intimacy that lovers share. But Lord, prayer has become so difficult. Silence seems so empty, words seem so dull and my mind seems distracted by many things. Yet more than anything my heart feels weighed down by fears, doubts and anxieties. I feel, Lord, as if You have left me and I am now all alone in this world, a stranger in a place I once called home.

Lord, I long for prayer, silence and solitude where I can just be alone with You. I feel tired with everything right now and need to rest in You. The more I try and pray the more it seems like I am not praying. The more I try to seek You, Lord, the more You seem to go away from me. Lord, I want to live in Your light but my feet seem paralyzed and unable to move towards You. Please Lord, draw me more deeply into that light, into that ocean of peace that is Your heart. I long for the time where I can just rest in You, when all of my doubts and fears will be silenced and I can just sleep in Your arms like a child with his mother.

Yet I must believe that I already possess that intimacy with You, even though I feel like I am in darkness. I choose to believe that You are not far away. I believe that You are close, too close even for my senses to perceive You. Please Lord, do not allow the darkness to overcome me. Without Your grace I cannot face it, but with Your grace I can rest in it and even say, “this too shall pass.”

Where could I go anyway if You were not here. I could not find You on my own nor could I discover something more profound or more beautiful than You. Lord, I could not discover You without You because You have discovered me, You have found me, You have revealed Yourself to me!

Yet so many people have come and gone in my life. So many friends have captured my heart and then have moved on, taking my heart with them. Lord, I can’t help but fear that You too will leave someday? My heart trembles at the thought of another separation. I know it is silly to compare You with people and to even doubt Your commitment to me is a sign that I do not understand Your love for me.

Despite all my confusion I can hear Your whisperings in my heart telling me that I am loved and that You will never abandon me. My God, I trust You with the little strength and energy I feel that I have. Thank You, Lord, for being faithful; please, in Your mercy grant me the grace to be faithful to You. 

In Jesus' Name,

Amen.


Thanks to Jeremiah Myriam Shryock for this prayer.

Beyond inspiration

So you're feeling inspired.  Great.  Such an awesome feeling!

But do you do anything with it?  Or do you just sit on it and not accomplish anything with it for fear of failure?

Inspiration is a wonderful thing but if, when you start out on your inspired journey, you get beaten down, held back, dismissed or even rejected do not be overcome.  For though "we are troubled and oppressed in every way, we are not cramped or crushed; we suffer embarrassments and are perplexed and unable to find a way out, but are not driven to despair; we are pursued and persecuted but not deserted to stand alone".  2 Corinthians 4:8-9

"For His strength is made perfect in our weakness." 2 Corinthians 12:9

When my job finished at the British School I could have seen it as a terrible time in my life, a time of fear and uncertainty,  but instead I can look on it that I am now fully released to pursue the plan that God has revealed for my life.

Since I began this most wondrous stage of my life, my walk with Christ, God has given me many revelations.  

The most amazing moment was when I received this word so full of power and creativity; a word that has come to be the focus of my work, both in the world and for the eternal Kingdom.

As you will probably have guessed, the word is "inspire".

God has inspired me to do many things over the past few months including this blog which I write on an almost daily basis.  My original intention was to write every day but when it becomes an obsession it becomes an idol and therefore what begins as a means to glorify God becomes a detraction and a distraction.  

I always have so much to say, so much to write.  But this must never be at the expense of my personal relationship with our Lord and Father which must always remain central to all I do.  

As ever my focus will be to worship God and to walk with Him in His perfect will and everything I do will be in pursuit of this.  

My hope is that the Inspire project will be all things to all people.  

It will be an arts centre offering music, drama and art activities and classes to children, adults, teens, mums and babies and family and corporate workshops.

Our website is still under construction so please visit our Facebook page for more information or contact inspirebahrain@gmail.com

We will also be hosting an awesome festival from 10th-18th October which will feature art workshops led by renowned artist Duncan Stewart, musical and choral celebrations and concerts, services, talks, dance workshops, a barn dance and an art exhibition featuring local artists.

Please contact inspirebahrain@gmail.com

for more information on any event or to submit a piece for the exhibition which should be based around the theme "inspire".

If you think you aren't creative and this isn't for you then think again.  Unleash your creativity.  Be inspired....

Dear Lord,

Today I want to give thanks for those who acknowledge and enjoy their creative selves and share their gifts of creativity with others.  I thank you that our creativity connects us with you, our awesome God, for You are the ultimate Creator.  Hence, if, as we believe, we are created in the image of You, our great and glorious God, then it is only natural that we embrace our own capacity to be creative.

Thank you Father God that we are all creators at our very core.  Help us to understand how creating can make us happy and fulfilled as we live out your purpose for our lives.  For in creating we become co-creators in partnership with You who inspire us daily when we are filled with the Holy Spirit, the breath of God.  So I pray that we will all be inspired, it’s what we were created to be, to live in the inspiration of the Word breathed out by God. 

In Jesus’ name,

Amen.

Hello Bahrain, farewell England......

Having now spent almost twenty four hours in my adopted home country I am now compelled to say a quick hello to all my friends here on this tiny island in the Arabian Gulf and a fond farewell to friends and family on the distant shores of England, my home across the seas. 

What a fantastic five weeks Xavi and I enjoyed with you all.  From the moment we stepped off the plane we were treated royally by my wonderful parents.  Thanks Mum and Dad for always meeting us at the airport and squeezing in all my ridiculously huge cases and bags!  I really don't know what I would do if I ever had to catch the train like other people.  

For almost our whole trip the sun was shining and our mood certainly wasn't in any way diminished when the rains did come.  At last, after twelve years of living in the desert, I had learnt to love and appreciate the rain as the bringer of life, a welcome gift from God.

I enjoyed every moment of my stay in the green fields of home.  That doesn't mean to to say  that I boarded the plane with a heavy heart.  On the contrary.  I am actually more excited to return to the land of sun and sand than I have been for many years.  That is in no way a reflection on my time in the UK or because I don't feel a pang of sadness at leaving behind my family.  I do, I do.  I love you all so much and I know that my still insensitive ways can be hurtful and I apologise profusely.  The past few weeks has been very special and I will treasure the time we have spent together.    

Last Sunday I said goodbye to my brother, my amazing brother, Greg and his wife Kate.  I love you guys and I wish I could spend more time with you.  I'm sorry I seem uncommunicative Greg, I wish you could come and stay with me so that we can know each other better because we only ever have a short time when we meet up in the UK.  I'm so excited that I'm going to be an Auntie and I know we are going to have so much fun with our kids together.

Whilst we were saying our farewells at the airport my dear Dad said how he wished I didn't have to go and I replied with the now seemingly dim witted response of "why's that Dad?".   God has changed me in so many amazing ways but I remain a work in progress and I still grapple constantly with my insensitive side.  Tactless is probably an understatement, but I do console myself with the happy fact that at least I have the right emotions now even if I fail to express them.  At least I'm almost normal, I laugh to myself.  At least I do miss people now.  Since giving birth to my beautiful son Xavier, and now, combined with my ever strengthening relationship with God, I have started to experience real, genuine and powerful emotions.  I'm almost a human.  Well maybe that's stretching it....   

I remember a few years ago when a friend of mine was crying her eyes out because her mother had just returned home to UK after an extended visit here.  At the time I had absolutely no concept of what she was feeling, I didn't understand what it was like to miss someone.  Of course I loved my family but I just didn't know how to let myself feel anything.  The only emotion I was any good at expressing was anger and frustration.  

I can't explain what made me like that.  I think it was more of the absence of a relationship with God in my life rather than a particular incident.  That empty void which should have been filled with God's love became full of a mixed up mess of fear and anger woven together by a clever web of deceit that hid the gaping hole from sight.

Anyway, let's get back on track.  I always used to say to myself that anyone who still had friends who'd known them for more than ten years couldn't be all bad.  It definitely made me feel less of a social reject as I had friends that I've now known for over twenty eight years.  Wow, think of that!  Some people actually thought I was okay way back then and stayed in contact with me all this time.  

This was a great summer for spending time with one of my oldest and dearest school friend's Roz Brooks, as she was then known.  We met at Dover Grammar School for Girls in 1986 when we were eleven years old and became firm friends towards the end of our first year.  We both shared a love of adventure and, if I'm to be honest, both enjoyed walking the fine line between being brilliant students and terrible trouble makers always on the look out for a good laugh, often at the expense of our poor unsuspecting teachers.  

So it was with mixed emotions that I bid my friend farewell this year.  Xavier got on so well with her two children, Sam and Ella.  In fact Xavi and Ella were quite the handsome couple as they strode off down the Folkestone Coastal Path  and I had this little pang of sadness about what great friends they would become and how lovely it would be to have a close friend with children of a similar age to Xavi.  But off I went back to Bahrain bidding my friends and family much more than a fond farewell.  

I also say goodbye to all of my new friends from Folkestone Life Church and Detling Celebration who became part of mine and Xavi's life in such a short space of time.  I'll see you all next year for sure so just make sure you don't forget me, it wasn't all a dream you know!

So, from goodbye to hello, from farewell to assalaam alaiykum.  

I am more than happy to be coming back to this island that has been my adopted country for more than twelve years.  I always yearned to be in a desert place and Bahrain is like the desert that you can put in your pocket.  In fact, if they build on any more of it you might not need a very big pocket!

But seriously, the experiences I've had here, the people I've met, worked with, lived with, cried with and laughed with have all helped to shape my life and it is with joy that I return and shout HELLO from the highest mountain.  Not that Bahrain's only mountain, Jebel Al Dukhan, meaning "Smoke Mountain", is all that high at a mere 134m.  Still, it holds many memories for me as I rode my horse under the eye of it's imposing presence in the years before my son was born.  

So hello Bahrain.  
Hello Zurika and Devlin, thanks for picking me up!  Hello Mary and Anjani, Boosha and Pussy Cat Shobs.  Hello my lovely Woody.  Hello house!!
What awaits me this year within your sandy plains and under your clear blue skies?  I know that God has great plans to use me mightily in His Name and I greet you all in the knowledge that I go forward in faith alone.  I am with you all because this is where God has called me to be.  My route back here was one of uncertainty but God made a way for me, and as I prayed for favour with immigration at both Heathrow and Bahrain airports I made it through in record time with very few questions asked.  Praise God.

Hello Rivers of Joy, I love you all and I'm so happy to be back amongst you!  It's going to be an awesome year ahead and I look forward to meeting all the new friends that will be joining us that we don't even know yet.  Perhaps it's you and you don't even know yet.  It's amazing to think that some people that read this blog don't know me.  Well I want to know you.  Hello, I'm Lydia, great to meet you!  If you're in Bahrain write to me, I want to know you!  We want to know you!

Hello to all my friends at the British School of Bahrain and those who've recently moved on to other schools or other countries.  I wish you all well and hope you will keep in touch.  Hello to all my friends working at other schools around Bahrain, St Christopher's School, Al Hekma School, Al Raja School, Nadeen School and countless others.  

Hello Twin Palms Riding Centre and all my awesome horsey friends.  I missed you all and look forward to lots of exciting shows, hacks, lessons and maybe some endurance this year!

Hello to all my musical friends, singers, actors, dancers and musicians extraodinaire.  You help to make Bahrain the vibrant and lively place that sets it apart and gives it a cultural heartbeat.  This year will be the coming together of many musicians, artists and enthusiasts and I look forward to meeting with you all soon to share in a love of the inspiration that is creation.

And a final hello to those who are closest to me.  You know who you are.  I love you all and I am so happy to be back amongst you.


Dear Lord,

I thank you for friendship and for fellowship.  I thank you for your gift of perfect love so freely given that I might know how to love you, my Lord, my God, and to love my neighbour as I love myself.  
I pray for those friends and family who I have left behind many miles away.  May my love for them stretch across the seas just as your love encircles me wherever I am on the face of the globe.  I ask for your protection over them and pray that they will be covered by the precious blood of Jesus and that where they do not know you Lord, you will wash away their sins and make them as white as snow.  

I thank you for the free gift of your grace and give you all the honour and all the glory for setting my feet upon the rock of my Salvation which lies within the perfect sacrifice on the cross of Christ Jesus.

In whose Holy Name I pray,

Amen.

The ongoing conversation......

At this moment in time I face many decisions which could have a serious effect on my life; my personal life, my financial life, my reputation; a lot is at stake here.  

I was so sure of a certain path that I felt I must take in order to see justice done.  

Then, suddenly I was shown another way.  A way which would certainly give me peace even if in the eyes of the world I had not found justice.  

The Lord says "vengeance is mine" (Romans 12:19), and any action we take to avenge ourselves is not under the guidance of the Holy Spirit.

Over the last few weeks I've heard many people talk about how they want to get closer to God.  This is surely something which any believer seeks isn't it?  

But isn't the answer simple really?  If we spend time with God we get closer to Him.  

Just lately I've found myself praying almost constantly, it's just like having an ongoing conversation with God.  You can hardly say "I want to get closer to God", if you only spend 20 minutes at the beginning of each day and then forget about Him until tomorrow.  Or maybe you only really spend any time with God when you go to church.

If that's you then your actions and your efforts are not suggesting that your heart's desire is to have a close relationship with your Maker.  You are God's child, think of it that way.  Imagine if your own child didn't want to spend time with you.  Especially when they are still young and need much guidance in their lives.  Wouldn't that sadden you?  Many times we are told through scripture to "love the Lord our God with all our heart".  This is in fact, God's greatest commandment.  He created us to love Him.  If we are to love someone we must know them, we must have a relationship with them, we must let them into our lives and share our hearts, we must walk with them, sit with them, talk with them.  It's no different with God, you may not be having coffee with Him but he's still there whilst you are sipping your cappuccino.  

When we are still young in the Christian sense then we need to immerse ourselves in the Word and in prayer as much as we can in order to grow in our relationship with God.  In the beginning it can be difficult to pray, just as it can be difficult to talk to new people if you are shy.  

And then there's the whole issue of who exactly do you pray to?  Jesus or our Heavenly Father?  And don't leave the Holy Spirit out either as it says in Ephesians 4:30 "Do not grieve the Holy Spirit".  
To begin with I really had no idea how to pray, it felt like I was a lone ship in clear blue waters but with absolutely no compass so I looked at the sky and I started with the only thing I knew, the Lord's prayer.  This is a great prayer and when the disciples asked Jesus to teach them how to pray this is what He gave them in Luke 11:1-4;  

'He said to them, “When you pray, say:

“‘Father, hallowed be your name, your kingdom come.

Give us each day our daily bread.

Forgive us our sins, for we also forgive everyone who sins against us.
And lead us not into temptation.’”

It was a start but a start is not an end point.  I wanted more of God.  I talked to my friends from the church, I prayed with other people and listened to how they spoke to God.  Then I eventually plucked up the courage to take the issue straight to the Lord Himself.  I just started talking to Him, telling Him about my issues and why I still felt I couldn't pray.  And it went on from there.  Three hours later I was still praying!  

There are still times when I feel separated from God and unable to pray but these moments are few nowadays and actually that is why our awesome God has surrounded us with a wonderful family in Christ so that we can have support from all sides.  

When I went away to UK to visit family for the summer I did wonder how I would be able to sustain my prayer life without the help from my Christian friends, but God knew that the timing of this trip was perfect.  It actually enabled me to solely rely on Him in all things.  To begin with I was so worried that I wouldn't be able to keep up the wonderful relationship that I had found myself in with the Father, with Jesus and with the Holy Spirit, that I started to pray almost constantly.  In my head, out loud.  I read the bible as often as I could and just continued my ongoing conversation with God for fear that I might not be able to start it again.  Then the fear subsided and I was left with the totally mind blowing realisation that God was with me in everything.  He literally was, by my side.  

It was at this point that He spoke to me about the issue I referred to at the beginning of this post.  He gave me another way, an alternative that I wouldn't have considered possible.  It may not work, because the forces of evil are strong, but of course, we all know who is stronger don't we?  So I will continue to pray about this and you can also all pray with me.


Dear Lord,

You are the creator of all things, seen and unseen.  You have dominion over all powers and principalities for you have overcome the world.  
Though I am not worthy you raised me up and did not let my enemies rejoice over me.  Oh Lord, my God, I cried out to you for help and you healed me, you brought my soul up from the pit and let me live.  
I thank and praise your Holy Name, that your power is made perfect in my weakness.  Thank you Father that though you have showed me great troubles and evils that you have returned and you have saved me.  Thank you for your promise that whenever we call upon the name of our Saviour, Lord Jesus Christ, we will be saved.  
Thank you Lord that you are here with me, that you are walking with me as I travel through the narrow gate, along the path of which only you know the way.  I pray that I will always be lead by you, that I will yield to the voice of the Holy Spirit and that I will always call upon your Name in times of trouble.

In Jesus' Name I pray,

Amen.